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Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.