Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.

why isn’t thunder called soundning

wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.

If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

WTF IS AN ACRONYM