You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
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The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Did anyone else always “help” their dad as a kid but do nothing at all? I even had a wee jumpsuit for oil changes, but I did nothing but yap the whole time. God saw a quiet man in my father and said give him a daughter that talks enough for the both of them.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie