You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
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One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Awwwww shit.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.