You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
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[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace