“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
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Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I would like even faster food.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?