You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
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As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck