You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
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A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
how long have you had this for?
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
🔥🔥
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again