you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
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me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”