you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
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Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son