you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
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I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts