You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
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Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Baller is short for ballerina
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
