You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
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Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
repaired
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Good advice.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Me driving through Toronto
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?