Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

it’s not been my year

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse

dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling

[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing

🤣

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.