You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
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If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
How all things should be taught/explained.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
About to throw up
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way