You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
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it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
seems like a niche market
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.