You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
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I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Print is alive and well!!!