Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

I’ve had worse

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

Want his attention?

Send nudes

Want to piss him off?

When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.

Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba