You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
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Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
The photographer’s assistant
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first