Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
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The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Perfect
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.