Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!

I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*

Surgeon: You should be asleep.

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.

It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.

Just go around me, man.

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…