You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
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Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
dark side of the loom
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
this was very charming
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…