Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die

8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!

Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?

are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.

a public service announcement

I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!