You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
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When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.