You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
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mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Sign at work today
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.