You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
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For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hit me in the face with a bird
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
christening a ship with an overripe banana