Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot

Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”

Suspect #1:

Suspect #2:

Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best

Harsh but fair

just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves

Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

me: you misspelled school

8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word

me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.

Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.