You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
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I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.