Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.

Grandpa: Who’s that guy?

Me: Captain America.

Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.

Me: No, that’s Thor.

Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?

Me: Um… Yes?

Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.

Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?

Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.