Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.

we only have two cats.

Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

The sun is 100% solar-powered.

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?

Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!

Guinness: …
(tilts her head)