You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
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Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.