You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
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I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.