You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
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DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Saw this yesterday lol
