You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
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me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Somebody call the cops.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.