You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
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Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
You wish you had this many chins.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”