You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
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Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
estão todos miauvindo?
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me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something