You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
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people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
This joke is 7 years old
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Bowling: The most fun you can have wearing someone else’s shoes.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal