You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
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when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
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Weirdos gonna weird.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*