“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
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It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
When libraries troll their patrons.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
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