Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(True)

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

[Orange Juice on tinder]

TINDER: “You have a match!

Orange juice: “Oh great!”

TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”

Orange juice: “Oh no.”

What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

looking for a job in america is kinda wild

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂

It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again

Many hands make light work

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.