Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex

ME: we learned a lot though

HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.

Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?