Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

this makes me so uncomfortable

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?

Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying