you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
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Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.