you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
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me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.
Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
i wonder why they stopped looking
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.