you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
You Might Also Like
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Bird flu? Yeah, they’re known to do that.
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Time heals everything 🙂
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumbMe at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee