Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

Ladies,

When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.

A short story of betrayal:

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!