“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
You Might Also Like
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.