“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
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I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS