“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
You Might Also Like
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated