Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.

Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.

MUGGER: Give me your money

ME: Stay back, I have mice

MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace

*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

Email translations:

“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious

“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious

“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious

“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious

“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious

“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious

Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.

E
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ᴱ
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*dolphin diving off a cliff*

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

imagine getting destroyed like this