Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:

3. Remove moisture from the air

2. Remove odor from the air

1. Cover up disgusting sounds

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.

Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?