Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

Me: I will never work for my boss again…

She: Why? What did he say to you??

Me: ‘You are Fired’

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds

[creating my Tinder profile]

Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]

Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]

me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol

The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.

Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.

Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?

Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach