Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.

I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

ME (calling my horse with no name):

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?