You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
You Might Also Like
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.