You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
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Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA