You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
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I can also cook 😂
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.