You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
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“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Well, that should do it
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂