Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

[first day as a peterinarian]

Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign

Me (petting dog): No.

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

This seems like a really, really bad idea.

*jumps in with both feet*

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

[in my bedroom]

Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*

Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?

Me: I just told you

[train]

MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]

MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”

[coat rustles excitedly]