You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
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Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*