Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill

Lucky for them, they’re cute

*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting

I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

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The Chosen Phew

Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark