You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
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I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
*skinny dips into black hole
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”