You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
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i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.