You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
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I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience