Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

Love is in the air fryer.

[really awkward birthday party]

FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]

“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”

Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores

If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..

My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

The news in a nutshell.