You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
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{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper
me: [from a distance] just open it
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.