You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
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My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
🤝
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
How do dragons blow out candles?
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.