You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
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What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
Genius idea!!
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.