Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

hackers play passwordle

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!

Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

[in bed, 6 AM]

Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

Orange is oranging 🟠

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.