You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
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plant them where lol
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Chicago sounds lovely.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.