You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
