You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.
