You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
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I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it