You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
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HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Where’s my employee discount too?
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.