You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
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I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
PER MY LAST EMAIL
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.