You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
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The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Des Moines Police having a normal one
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.