Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
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ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
when you order from DoorDastardly
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?