Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

*Follows dreams

*Ends up at refrigerator.

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.

Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.

Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?

A tornado: ≋N≋o≋

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!

Blacksmith:

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*

As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.

*jazz hands*

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.