You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
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3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?