You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
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Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??
My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances