You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
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me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
That was easy.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
what could possibly go wrong?
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
be careful
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm