Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

Driving in Europe vs Canada

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.

How’s your day

A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow