Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

This is why I hate group projects

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

This cat wants you to take your pills

If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right

Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.

Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands

7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.

Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up