You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
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Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.