You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
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My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
The Assassin.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.