You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

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You’re not really a parent until you swat blindly into the backseat, hoping to connect with a kid.


Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.


My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet


911: what’s your emergency

me: i think a girl gave me a fake number

911: omg who answered when you called it

me: you did


“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office


Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*


The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.


Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals


A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.


Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.